.

gaa, i realise that i have a problem: i fail to deliver, as a friend. i think i have made promises, promises to "be there", but more often than not, i'm not contactable unless willing to-that is, when time allows. too caught up- i conclude. i'm too caught up in doing the things i have to do, that i have awfully neglected the promises i made.

gaa, is this what you would term hypocritical? putting up a "show" of compassion, but never actually delivering it? would it soften the impact if i say that i genuinely care? that i do mull over it on a daily basis, but i dun have time to translate it into action?

o yuck, i'm already disgusted by myself.

i've said it many times, "it feels awful to say this, but im sorry if it seems like i don't care bout ur stuff. i do care ok? it's jus that i've rilli got much at hand to complete. i'm not saying that i don't have time for you, but ya... i'm sorry...=("

it sounds like an excuse, but, then again, i mean it. as in, i almost already don't have time for myself, lest say others.

i feel lyk a badly oiled machine- feel absolutely fake- cus concern pours out of me in spurts it seems. it is like imhereforuimhereforuimhereforuimhereforu, then, absentabsentabsentabsentabsent. then, im suddenly here again.

sometimes, i think i take extra effort just to show some care for others. is that the way it's supposed to be? is there a guideline as to whether care should just flow automatically ie, that care should be effortless? cus if it's not effortless, then it's just a pretence? i wouldn't classify it as pretence though, cus i do care about whoever i show care to... but, i think i really have to make that effort to make time to care... lyk, i have to: "alright, later i have this this this this and that to complete. i'll try to finish this this this by ___time, then go on to do that. **thoughts stray* o ya, i think ___ called me today n i din get to call back, should call back n talk b4 i cont to do that." yaa, this sort of thing... like i nd to plan my schedule n allocate a time to care. woohooo! my own little "care slot".

sigh. it's not pretence. it really is not.

neither is it an excuse.

maybe i'm trying to console myself, but i see the need for me to account for why things are like that, more of a self evaluation than anything, so that i can perhaps change.

i'm in a sort of dilema. i believe actions speaks louder, and i'm tempted to launch right into a spurt of care influx, the way i do in the past. but, i'm not confident of sustaining it even when the work starts to pile up, when my responsibilities start to beckon me away. in short, i want to help, but i'm afraid that i'll only cause more disappointments.

sigh.

sk

- depression is getting more common than cupcakes.