The little things in life. =)

想念你，老爸。 有一陣子沒給你寫信了。妹妹還是很懷念你。聽到貨車門甩著閉上的聲音，我還是不自覺，馬上覺得"老爸回來了!"。 每天下了班，到家樓下時，還是會看一看老爸的車是否到了。也是會想到老爸回來了。 可惜， 車每天都在同一個位置。它像我吧，一直空心地等待主人回來。 老爸，你過得還好嗎?

刷牙 打傘 沖熱水 滾熱水 喝豆奶 擦臉 樹林 190 的路線 肉骨茶 炒粿條 星期天早上 窗口外的場景 貓咪 電轉 鐵錘 水管 遼闊天空 白色貨車 藍色pickup 米粉湯 Carlsberg 老爸，好希望你還在。

Daddy, just as I was telling you that the frequency of those tides of sadness was getting lesser, I was struck by a tsunami yesterday. haha. I was on 190 travelling home, but that was a route that we have taken tgt multiple times before. Went under the ecolink at bke as well. I just couldn't reign in the sadness. So glad to have an empty home to return to yesterday. I'm worried about mum and gorgor. Bless them with some courage to face life ok? You left so suddenly, I think they are both overwhelmed by how unpredictable life can be. Both of them keep saying they have this unexplained anxiety. Watch over them ok? Meimei

Week one back to work was extremely hectic. There's so much to get back onto, though it has been fairly good distractions. The week has been shuttling between work and home to care for my mum. Family is settling in I think.. which is good. Still missing my Dad a lot, but the occasional sadness that swamps over is getting less frequent I suppose. I'm not sure how long time will take to heal. Not sure if this is a healable wound, or if it will be like my Dad's disease, leaving a crippling and indelible scar behind. But life will go on. I still value being able to help others live their life healthily, even more so after Daddy's passing. So in a way, I'm glad for my line of work. It's been a great part that keeps me going. At least I can still honour his memory daily. But this is making me rethink my new appointment. I don't think I wanna lose touch with patient care. Whatever it is, perhaps a redecision can come after whc opens in 2021. Today is my first t...

Your absence is sorely felt, like a vacuum that's closing in daddy.. I hope you're healthy and happy now papa.. *hugs*

爸爸，妹妹很想你。你住在医院的时候妹妹就有告诉你了。可惜，等不到爸爸回家。当时爸爸跟我说想爸爸又能怎样。那时的我还可以多去医院看你，陪着你。现在，除了抱着你的抱枕，你爱坐的椅子，你用过的东西，你给我的东西，回顾你过去的照片，摸着你的脸 – 妹妹真的什么都不能做了。爸爸，妹妹真的很想你。 之前，你在 whatsapp 上，给妹妹流过一些留言。你说“妹妹，爸爸回来了。早一点回家。“对不起，妹妹没有抽多一点时间在家陪你。 现在我每天都在家，可是见不到老爸了。 老爸，你走得太突然了。大家都难以置信。我也是。我其实还有好多计划还没和你做。我知道你和我一样，爱看山水，爱动物，爱大自然。一直都想带你到更漂亮的地方旅游。对不起，还没来得及带你去。将来，我去的时候，你要记得跟着来 ok ？希望现在老爸已经可以到处游走了。 老爸，你知道我记性非常差。我很怕很怕会忘记和爸爸有关的东西。你要时常来提醒我 ok ？我想要在这里写下我所记得的： 老爸，你从我有记忆到现在，都是那么的特别，另类，和有创意。你就是我那么与众不同的老爸，我的英雄。谢谢你，在我小小的时候，每个星期天早上带我去吃东西。还带我去 farmart 看动物，买芦荟甜品来吃。那是我第一次看到活生生的黑鸡 – 原来羽毛是白色的！我在你的车上总是学到很多东西，像是那个 ecolink 还在建的时候，你告诉我 “这座桥是给动物走的，不是给车走的“。当时我还以为你骗我！哈哈，真的建出来，还真是如你所说的。你就是这样，每次让我吃惊。 谢谢你带着我去吃我们家楼下，你爱吃的肉骨茶和煮炒。肉骨茶，也是你我最后一次一起吃的一餐。谢谢你不介意妹妹一直拿你做电做水的东西来做手工。谢谢你肯跟我解释一些工具的基本。将来妹妹会帮忙修理家里基本的东西 ok ？爸爸不用担心。 还记得小时候你大病一场回家，瘦得小时候的我害怕，不认得你。是当你把我抱到身边，让我做在你的腿上我才认得这是疼爱我的爸爸。爸爸的拥抱，妹妹就是会认得。就算换了个样子，感觉到了我就会知道，就会特别安心。谢谢你。 谢谢你为家里做出那么多特别的改良。真的不能想象，将来没爸爸的家会是怎样，但是我会尽量延续你的精神。有一次，妹妹睡到半夜，床突然塌了。隔天睡了就没问题了。当时也没想那么多。是过了几年，在换床褥的时候才发现有人帮我丁了床架却...

“I've gained more from serving my patients than I have given to them; it's a privilege to be a healthcare professional. Indeed, it's in giving that we receive, and in losing ourselves that we find ourselves” - Dr Phillip Yap Well said Dr Yap. 4 years of bond is quickly drawing to an end. As I sit here rather aimlessly, waiting for time to pass in preparation for my night shift tomorrow, the late hours has allowed me some quiet time for reflections. When was the last time I did this?! (It's appalling!) Looking back on the past 4 years, I wondered which lessons and emotions stood out the most. Is it the resentment from the occasional unhappy episodes at office, or the 委屈 from the random angry patient? I suppose I really did have my fair share of those. But above everything else, I still relish the fulfillment that I get from knowing that I have made a difference to a patient today (teehee, look at that confidence XD). I said this same thing to a couple of close friends ...

ARGH. Go away training comm, will you please? If I reveled in producing teaching materials, test paper, markings, learning objectives and case studies, I would be in MOE. SO GO AWAY! goodness. =.= #bittergourd ok nvm. I do. *meltdown*

In other news, I just wanted to expound on the greatness of my mum. Thanks ma, for towelling down my fever, holding me up as I dugged frantically through the various corners of the house for painkillers like a drug addict on withdrawal, for making me porridge on demand, boiling barley water, and just for being there. It was a terrible night yesterday. I can't remember when I last felt this bad. But having you sitting on the side of my bed, changing my towel and feeling for my fever really calmed me down. Thanks mummy. <3 Sk

Post fever grogginess- This fever did some marvelously creative things with my brain. I was having so many dreams of the weirdest origins!! I wonder if these are truly my subconcious thoughts, or just random jumps of the synapses. Well. Since I'm on mc, and my brain is still on over drive, I shall write. The Earthquake that shook Sabah and Mt K really shook me up as well. Because I was intending to scale Mt K this June too. Fortunately/unfortunately, I couldn't find the company to join me on the expedition. The recent 2 earthquakes got me reflecting about mountain climbing safety and pre-training. To be honest, most training focus on what you should do to get to the top. Nobody seems to be too concerned about preparing for situations where you will need to actively seek a way down the mountain. Was talking to my brother, and we concluded that this was probably a reflection of Singaporean's lack of disaster awareness. In any case, through the limited number of trips I ha...

Night has fallen- As your chapter of life draws to a close, I pray that you may receive the endless blessing and gratitude from your beloved Nation, and all the sons and daughters from your Nation. Singapore, a name I am proud to call my home, would never have been without your contributions. For us, your stories came from the history books. Stories of nation building, a knowledge based economy, a nation built on meritocracy, of a strategic merger - and the unfortunate departure, these were the legends that my generation did not come to witness. Things we were merely told. Yet we enjoy the fruits of your, and our forefathers' labour. We risk running the line of taking things for granted on a daily basis, and you again and again preach your cautious warning that anything can change. That our peace did not come in vain. Thank you Mr Lee. Thank you for dedicating your time, sacrificing your life and even putting us ahead of your immediate family, just so you could love your larg...

But I shall do it anyway. Lo and behold! It's been eons since I last sat at my desk, just typing shit out to blogger, with both no audience and a huge audience in mind. I have been working for a grand 2 odd years of my life. I can't say I dig each day, but at least I haven't been hating every moment. I guess Pharmacy work has its rewards buried underneath the heaps of patients, pills, prescriptions, money, time and sheer physical fatigue. And my optimism works hard picking off the thrash on top to get to the jewels below. I am exhausted. Near 7 years in Pharmacy, and I have finally finally finally almost paid out my dues. This means I can start dreaming again. I have forgotten the complete exhilaration of having something to live for, beyond routine, beyond passing faces and people, beyond fighting fire everyday. It has been so long that I became a little rusty. I became mildly scared of fulfilling them dreams. Stopping in my career right now, seems daunting. But th...

So I am really starting to resent all the post work hours pumped into work. I do not see why and how putting in hours to train your staff, do your projects, analyse your data is meaningful to me and my personal growth. I swear I am trying, but this is TOO trying. So I am tired. I need to breath my own air, free my thoughts, and do the things that I need to do to add meaning to my life before i lose it all to the damnation of work! I would love to love my job, yes. And I can. If only I don't need to busy myself with all the hassle of these other things that I don't get to choose. GO AWAY you guys. *miserable whatsapp emoji* Ok, had to get that out of my system. And I'm just procrastinating before I start on them damned viva qns (Your brains must be packed with wonder to think us competent in setting exam qns). May this new found building resentment lead me to a better place, or a better way of doing things without wanting to kill myself. Ha. Ha, Ha. sk

I think it's time to start afresh, right up from ground zero. Funny to attempt a rebirth of character at a quarter of a century, I know. (okay, i confess i struggled between whether I'm a quarter of a decade or quarter of a century old). But well, some things have to be done! To quote my favouritest female singer-songwriter; my (sort-of) life inspiration; "to give yourself a new life, you have to give the other one away". I am famous for holding on too tightly to the past. Perhaps it's time to let good, let go. Seek forgiveness, and also forgive myself for old wrongdoings, whether or not I truly deserve it (who's to judge?). Life simply must not be spent wallowing in the past. (For we are not warthogs, hakuna matata) So-  Hello world, again.  (: sk p/s: #(parenthesesabuse)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDfS306tcr8

The difference between us, is that you seem to think you deserve so little, while I seem to think I deserve a whole lot more. The truth- which I now begin to see- is the exact opposite.