Now i come to the real reason why i decided to blog today. I'm not sure how obvious this is, but the fact that i'm on my blog ranting away the second time in a week, tells me that i'm going through a rather emotional patch right now. At this juncture, i would like to advise that anyone who happens to be reading this, to stop reading and go do something more productive with your life. Think of the following content as some Jack Neo sequel. or some reports on the William Tan civil lawsuit. YES, you got it-TRASHY is the word. So go on away now. it's unpleasant i swear. Especially if you, my friend, are going to judge me. i will really appreciate it that you don't comment. I'm gonna admit that i'm in the midst of carrying on a mistake. I'll be very honest about it. I'm not seeking advice, because you and i both know, that at the end of the day, I only wanna listen to myself. Yes, i've grown stubborn. Anna says that growing up is the process of sewing up our mind. Well, I just turned 21. haha =D And finally, no, this time i don't wanna let external pressures influence me into a halfhearted decision.
So i begin.
I just had my 2nd year anniversary with jenny. The past few weeks, or perhaps past month, has been a period of change for me. my 2 years was a day of uncertainties, and maybe pretence. all these unknown to him though. I've been very unfair to him i believe. After 2 years of insecurity in a not very secure r/s, i managed to convince myself that, nothing is considered cheating unless emotions are very involved. that really helped me. But well, by that definition, it also mean that anything can be considered cheating if emotions are involved. And if this is the case, i've been cheating on him. I've always been very very disciplined with myself since i got into a relationship. So you may ask (as i sometimes ask myself these days) what can defeat a relationship that has slowly but steadily grown stable over 2 years? what force can deflect my discipline with myself? My answer can only be, the re-entrance of somebody i've adored for some, 5-6 years. Yes, I'm a very single headed person. (To whom it may concern, no, my recent behavior is not normal. No i behave like that with other people. it's something that only flourishes when you are in the picture.) i don't honestly know what to do. I don't wish to continue with this state of life any further either. I gave myself until today to make a choice. i procrastinated and fell asleep. and i got awoken by the boyfriend- shouting at me over the phone because i've disappeared since my meeting with my junior after school. i didnt account to him that i was going out, lest say with you. and i didnt know how to react when he questioned me; Clear headed, i pretended to be muddle-headed:
him: "question (i forgot)"
me: "hmm?"
him: "question again"
me: "silence
him: " are you awake?"
me: "hmm?"
he shouted at me.
ouch.
i believe this is a sign for me to quickly come to a decision.
i don't hold on to such memories very often. there was only one other event when something similar happened, which i rmb also because of how badly that hurt. i shan't elaborate, but yes. he was pissed off, and this time, reasonably so.
i didn't know how to react. i don't know how to react. I've been 'going with the flow" for the past month, and i think it's time i set my rudders down and make a choice of the direction i wanna head. The heart knows what it wants. Never changed from the time i first fell for you some 5 6 years ago. the head, however, thinks of fairness. I'm very very tempted to follow my heart to be honest. But i think i don't have enough balls to do it.
Actually, i realise that this blog post is a waste of time. I have been a waste of your time. (i'm not joking around this time) This was probably the route i know that i would take right from the first moment when i decided to reestablish connection with you. Because my principles wouldn't let me do otherwise, no matter how much i want it. I do what i think is right of me to do. Who sets the standards? Myself? Nah, the people around me. I'm a people pleaser rmb?
that side of me sucks. if edwin is here, he'll probably tell me to just do it. (no, you're not here reading this edwin.) i should do what i want, no regrets. i cant please the whole world- very true. But that doesn't stop me from trying.
I'm also aware that i haven't been interacting with jenny very much. and i know I'm subconciously comparing between him and him. And very naturally, you would win. Because jenny is not in the pic currently. Hence, my current assessment of my preferences is not accurate. But then again, jenny, if not because of your choices, this wouldn't have happened either. You have your part to play in this too.
Another pressing issue on mind: one-sidedness. On two previous accounts, i've let myself run wild, and made a dramatic mess of everything (or at least in my view it was). but you. on your part, i believe thr was never a thing. after the first episode, you had carissa. after the 2nd, u found haninn. sk was never in the picture was she? so note to self: what makes you think this time is any different? I don't. But the problem is, when it comes to you, (once again, you're the singular exception) i can never tell for sure unless i get explicit about it. And that would make a dramatic mess out of everything AGAIN. and, i'm too old for that now. those wild and tumble days, are hidden somewhere in the deep recesses of my character. It's time for you to step up boy. if my feelings are mutual, please be clear and let me know. Otherwise, do me a favour and stay away from me. I realise that i've been right all along. Close platonic friendship is bullshit. i can't be your friend w/o falling for you. Like i told you, there is charm about you that spirals me out of control every single time we interact. I can spend hours thinking and planning about the perfect way for me to behave properly and appropriately, and those things would fly right out of the window, the moment you lean in close to me. yes, i would take that shoulder. screw whatever i thought previously. And really, it's just you.
So how now brown cow? What do i do?
there's a second part to the problem. let's assume everything stays at status quo, i stay as the gf of jenny. How do i assert myself in places where i feel the r/s is growing in an unhealthy directions? how do i say no? No. no. no. no. no. please understand that. no. i don't even wish to discuss this. No. Do you understand? it's repulsive. How do i say no?
having a relationship really sucks. and nowadays when i think this, i would think "why didnt you want me in the first place? then i wouldnt be stuck in such a rut." it's YOU again. if not because of how much i like you, i swear you'll be the single person i think worthy of my full fledge dislike for, because of the shit i go through, because of you.
you.
urgh.
both of you.
get out.
i need to sleep on it.
p/s: i really hope nobody is reading this. it's a moronic thing to hope for i know. background trolling: "this is the web dammit! what do you expect?!" =.= i know. but it feels different when you air your dirty linen out in public. -therapeutic, if i may say. alright. this post is going OFF, the moment i wake up tmr morning. i have been very unrestraint in this post. i don't know if i may end up offending ppl with it. so yea. but after all the talk, i must say that when i started out on this post i had one intended audience in mind. just that one. if fate decrees, i hope you can see this before i delete it. (i cant believe how -unscientific- i am being about this)
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