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New start.

Maybe i should start blogging again. Blogging has always been hovering in the back of my mind for a long time now. I just took a quick skim through my old posts; including the ones on my private blog (Not so private now that I've announced it. But I figured that what i wanted to hide in the past doesn't really need to be hidden.). I realise that i have indeed changed much in terms of character- i used to be so strong; i used to be so cheerful; i used to be so clear minded.

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Why blog?

In the past it was partly for entertainment, to look cool, to boast my english standard, (though i know there's nothing to boast about lol) etc. Now, with the comfort that people take that my blog is dead, i think i can safely say i blog for the comfort of organising my thoughts logically.

A lot has been going on in my mind for the past few months. Or more aptly put: a lot has been going on in my mind for the past year, ever since i got into a relationship with jenny. It's not easy. A word in fairness would have me saying that the responsibility is both of ours equally. But I'm no longer fair minded. And like jo said, i ALWAYS said it's both our responsibilities. But i always think it's his.

Dissonance. Ah.

There is a better time to do this reflection, given that i have a paper tomorrow that i am hardly prepared for. But let me try to gain some efficiency and flush this out of my system so that i can concentrate on studies later.

To Jenn Yang:

There is a problem between us.

I don't trust you.
You hate it that i don't trust you.
You think i have a problem- a control freak problem.
You try to resist it.
I see this as your attempt to hide something and all the more I find it hard to trust you.
and the vicious cycle continues.

You should know very well why I don't trust you. Because of the things you did. I did say though, that confidence and security has to be self- built. So the reason why i don't trust you, should be more appropriately expressed as: the result of the things you did, AND the fact that I am unwilling to let go.

Fair enough.

But how do i trust when i keep sensing the possibilities for distrust? Maybe it's a self fulfiling prophecy. Maybe it's because I think... so it seems.... But why are the evidences always so convincing?

Lose sight of the past and let's talk about today. Why did you lie? I am impressed by my own sixth sense. I had a feeling (when you called me at 1am yesterday to tell me you're going to sleep), that you were not actually going to sleep. This is not the spot on accurate version, but it's close enough. Turns out, you were indeed awake later on in the night at 2am. Chatting on the phone for about an hour. Nvm, about this, maybe you didnt mean to lie when you said you're going to sleep. Maybe the person called and woke you up. But, when i asked you today: "why are you so tired? i thought you slept very early yesterday?". WHY did you tell me "I woke up in the middle of the night. Dunno why."

Your younger brother told me you were awake chatting on the phone till 3 am.
"wasn't he chatting with you?"
ouch.

It hurts that you lied. It also hurts that you were so disinterested in talking to me on the phone these days; last night. 1 hour? I dare not fantasize about having a solid chat for 1 hour with you. Because you are most of the time distracted. or more interested in doing something else.

..

I will be asking you about this. Definitely. It's not my style to leave things unsaid. But i really wonder how you will react. lol, get angry? maybe... i think you'll heave a huge sigh and ask... "do we really have to do this?" lol... pardon my selfishness. I just have to get it off my chest. Want me to stop? Easy. Don't do such things. Your girlfriend is a psychic. Oh. Another thing i wonder about. who is it? meifang? jamaine? lol..

I also want to ask you, what exactly do I mean to you? How is your girlfriend different from a normal female friend? Cux where you are concerned, the line seems to be pretty blur/ porous. Except of course, the obvious physical contact differences- I'm talking about emotional differences.

To put a line in for your defense: maybe you are doing what you think is the best thing to do. Especially after the big big fight the day before, where you walk away yet again with the impression that i am hugely jealoused and extremely sensitive to issues where meifang is concerned. Maybe that's what you thought. I will appreciate the thought bu not the action. But I won't get angry.

I won't get angry.

yes, i wont get angry.

I just want the puzzle to the mystery.

I like things clear cut.



Even if it's meifang on the phone, it's alright right? He can have his girl friends and chat with them on the phone casually. right? it doesn't mean anything. right?



Bullshit. If only i can really subscribe to this idea.

Ah.


I have issues, You're very messed up.

But will we be happier off without each other? Maybe. Maybe not. But your ah gong made a point. "neng zai yi qi shi yi zhong yuan fen. bu ke yi zhe yang. (bu hao jiu bu yao, zai zhao ling wai yi ge.)". Well said ah gong. Exactly my point. I. still don't wish to give up yet.

to sk: Target the issue, not the person. Remember.


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I regret something that i did though. I regret telling your brother everything that i've told him,. i really shouldnt have done that. If there's a way I can turn back time and redo things, I will definitely not do that. But it's a bit too late i know. I hope there's someway for me to revert this mistake.

hai. angry people don't think. I shouldn't have allowed myself to be angry.

I'd better go talk to him again, and set things straight. Restyle the image of his brother to him. justify the pic and tell him the good things. Correct the moral picture and let him know that just because we are doing certain things, doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.

get those things straight. PARAMOUNT.

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ok, i'm gonna start studying now. =D I need to be happier. lol. SERIOUSLY OK. self talking is GOOD FOR HEALTH! =DD

I dislike how my re-entry into the blogosphere is done. =/ But ah well. =D it will change one day! I. WILL. BE. BACK. PROPER.

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