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Reckoning with my own follies and failure

31. 

A third of life passed- what have I achieved? What routes have I journeyed? Where am I headed in this lifetime? 

A third of life passed- have I figured put what kind of person I am and want to be? What values and principles do I stand for? 

A third of life passed- is that considered short or long? Have I wasted too much time? Do I still have time to get back on track? 

Dear dear, 5 months past and I find myself in a dip of reflection and a ton of self remorse and reproach. I wish everyday that I could be a better partner to you, and I strive everyday to be wiser and more mindful of my every action. I struggle to make up my mind and elucidate what I truly stand for.

This week, I reckon with the failures that I struggle with as a person. I am not a bad person. But in my struggle to please and adapt to every situation that came my way, I have let myself be shaped loosely by the external influences and failed to firm up my innermost core. I am not a bad person. But in not making a stand for myself, I have failed to become a good one as well. 

It's disheartening to look at how far off I have strayed from a path that should have been mine. I feel like I have gone through a year of temper tantrums with myself, and I'm now sitting in an unknown and unmarked grassy clearing. Wondering where I go from now, now that I recognise my hopeful optimism getting from pit stop to pit stop was hustling that kept me busy but didn't get me anywhere. I'm a little overwhelmed with fear. I do not know if I will ever be able to find my way back, and if I have enough time left to do so. 

Now, where do I find the courage and confidence in myself to press on, and continue. Continue to believe that I can do it, just by sheer belief and commitment to work hard, take the humble road to get back. 

I will do it, I desperately want to do it. I don't know how to, but i guess the first baby step will guide the way little by little. I'm done being so angry and upset with myself because I can't whole heartedly answer why I do certain things. I'm so sick of being upset with myself for not having a stand. 

For a start I know I do have the beginnings of a direction now; I have you, us and our lifetime ahead of us which I want to spend leaving behind a meaningful life for us to talk about on our rocking chairs. Haha. 

I love you dear, thanks for being my beacon. Thank you for showing me the end point I want to get to, but not showing me the map, for I have to figure that out on my own. Only when I get through this, can I get to become the better person I need to become. To guide and nurture our future tgt. 

Comments

na said…
A third of life wiser, and a third of life well-spent :)
10:21 PM
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