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Christmas

I've been thinking, re-thinking, stopped thinking, deconstructed and started thinking again. But still- i don't understand. It came as a surprise, and to be honest, i'm most freaked because i didn't see it coming, and i don't understand to the detail: why? the worse is that i thought i ought to understand. I don't really know what to say about this- perhaps nothing. perhaps i'm too conservative, perhaps. but i really don't understand. josh, if you're reading this, haha, your "slap in the face" prompted me to this. haha.. it's like a slap in the face cus i really thought i knew this someone, and now all of a sudden, i think that has been challenged. A lot. My fault perhaps, perhaps i knew and understood lesser than what i thought i did. perhaps i was over-confident. Perhaps i did have some understanding once, but perhaps its wrong to assume that people have a static mind and character. Perhaps i should have kept in touch more. Perhaps then i would understand. perhaps. I'm going in rounds, but really, the event itself isn't necessarily a bad thing. i just- don't understand. and it disturbs me.

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had our usual christmas gathering recently. i had a really good time cus it felt like we havent met up in ages! and PAM! :) seeing pam was so nice. haha.. i miss her logic, quick wit, and her different take to most everything. :D later that night though, josh invited another friend over. i think it's just me, but that felt strange. (no, this is not an online affront cus i dont dare to do it in person. haha.. im just airing my armpits hahah :D) the atmosphere was just different to me. it felt like the addition was slightly altering the dynamics of the group. but perhaps it's just me. i had thought that i would be completely alright with it, but well. hmm. i guess I've been accustomed to coming back to the group to take comfort in our constancy; the quiet, familiar feel in our gatherings always sets things right for me. so i confess that the change did unnerve me a little. haha, i guess i wasn't as friendly as i normally would be. but this led me to think about the times when i joined my friends' cliques as an outsider. perhaps they felt the same way too. hmm. not that it's a bad thing though. teething problems, i say. from experience i'd say things get more vibrant, fun and interesting after we/I get over this phase. We all gotta learn to grow up, share, or let go of our old toys one day. but yes, to that, i think im human too- this petty, selfish, xenophobic heart of mine.

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