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it's gonna be an emo post. Please don't comment cus i don't really want consolation, i just need the rant. or even better- please dont read it.

mc paper today was a piece of rubbish. this is exactly like its last test for mc. when i came out of the test worrying about not completing the paper, worrying about the parts that i think i'll fail, but thankful for at least the questions that i got correct. im an easily satisfied person you know. but then, along comes somebody who accurately, sharply and very painfully point out a crucial mistake in those too. n that's it, i'm officially gonna fail the paper. just like failing pharmaco. im not somebody who takes results overly seriously. n i know we shouldnt worry about the Bs and Cs. But how about the Ds and Es? I.... really wanted to pull up my cap this sem. i think i've put that out of my mind already. and i sincerely say i worked much harder this sem than i ever did. i cant really survive without sleep. But this sem more than ever, i find myself pushing and pushing just so that i can go through everything in detail and not as a rush. hey, i figured, if everybody else can do it. why not you? think about how much you want this. but even so. even then. i think this is about the worst sem ever. It really sucked the during the test, when i was consoling myself over the fact that hey, at least u got that qn right. im sure. it was when i was settling for a pass, and i realise that i was wrong. that i dont even have the luxury of settling for a pass this time. i came out of today's exam, feeling the same "well, nvm. at least..." until, i got a call, when i was so close to home, mood much lifted. somebody called to clarify about my answer. dont get me wrong, i dont blame you for it. i think it's good to clarify. i think ultimately it should still be about the learning, not the grades. But this just kinda hurts. badly. im happy that you got it right though. n i'm kinda happy to understand the answer too. but still- sigh. and please dont snidely tell me that i do well even if i dont study, or if i say i wouldnt. that was a thing of the past. please get over it. because it hurts each time i get that from you guys. but i never made a sound over the past 2+ years cus i understand you didnt mean to stab me. but for this once, please believe me and try to avoid rubbing salt into my wound. i'd appreicate it. i think i'll know myself better. rereading thus far, i think this is a very trivial post. one of my most trivial one ever. but it means a lot to me, the changes that this sem would make. its symbolic to me in so many ways that i wouldnt list out. but yes, it is very important to me. it's my third year. a rather academically depressing 3rd year. i dont really have many more chances to improve my grades. and i want to do honours. and i dont like to be bottom of the class. i guess perhaps hardwork isnt enough. focusing on the right things is important too. again at this point, dont get me wrong. i am demoralised. i am very disappointed cus i had high hopes for this. i am very sad. But i am not giving up. and i will keep trying till i get it right. i made mistakes. alot of them too. but it's a learning process.though a painful painful one. i understand that. and im gonna pick myself up now.

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